If I would be given the chance to choose what and where I will be right now . . . I would choose to be a comatose patient in a hospital bed – able to hear and able to tear yet unable move and speak.
I would let all the tears flow from my eyes and I will listen up to the tiniest sound that I can hear. I would choose to absorb all the hurt and pain and just let them pass freely.
I will feel the pain and endure it, satisfied and content with the fact that I am not able to go against it. For in that kind of weakness, I will feel the inner strength and the patience that I know I certainly need.
It’s the strength to be able to resist to go against all conformities. To be able to rest and just be still and not feel my blood rush to my head. To just lie there and do nothing. To avoid shaking my head no. To resist nodding yes. To be numb.To just spread my hands and not clump them. To just lie there without wanting to run. To just think and not speak so that no one will disagree.
To just be at peace without having to exert effort. To just understand myself and not explain to someone to be understood. To just hear and not see. To just feel and feel and feel.
To just breathe. . . .
To be indifferent.. To be selfish.. To let all the hurt come inside.. accepting everything yet doing nothing…
To have no choice but to be happy, passively happy.. knowing that when I wake up and speak.. and see… all the hurt and the pain will be finally gone, lost in the memory lane forever.
Disclaimer: Being a teen. It’s the most complex stage in any person’s life. You go through heart breaks and failures that make you act on impulse, most if not all the time. This was written 3 years ago and I just remembered to post this as my friends and I were talking about someone who just came back from coma. I know better now, I just “wrote this on impulse” then. I wouldn’t want to be caught in such bewildering labyrinth of fate.