I jinxed it again.

I wish I never took the bull by the horns. Bringing my love life out in the open (click here) only led me to jinx it. I should have known myself better, not taking a risk and not trusting that things will be okay even if I go and “brag” about having a him in my boring life.

I was hot and cold about it, never really telling him what I wanted. I chose to go with the flow, not realizing that he feels that I’m leaving him hanging. The reason for our biggest fight was really petty but it pushed him to the limit, I guess. I think I didn’t give him the assurance that he needs. But you see, I am still scared and I think I need more time. At first, I wanted to reverse it, to try to get him back. But I fell and hit my head on the bathroom floor one night and it knocked some sense into me.

“We accept the love we think we deserve.” That’s on repeat in my head for myself whenever I feel like I miss him. I know I’m not perfect but I believe that I deserve someone better. Maybe the reason why I am hesitant on accepting what he has to give me is because for me, it isn’t enough. Many of you may think that I am such an arse for this. But looking back, my mistakes stemmed from not trying to think highly of myself.

I am not over-aged and I think I still have soooooooo much time to look for Mr. Right. It’s just that sometimes, I miss being in someone’s arms, metaphorically speaking. I am not in any way just bored because I have sooo much stuff to do but I know there are lots of singles feeling the same way too.

Actually, heΒ communicates but I don’t have the eagerness to reply anymore. He told me that maybe there will come a time that we will finally be okay. To this day, I still don’t know. Maybe heΒ isn’t the right one, anyway, because I’m sure that when that right one comes along, without even thinking, the answer’s gonna come right outta my mouth. A yes. Instantly.


4 thoughts on “I jinxed it again.

  1. I think naman I’m not lonely pero I get that thought na mas better sana if I have someone to share my stories with constantly, like everyday, yung ganon. Hehe. And there’s a decreasing ratio between men and women. Haha pressure ano? lol!

  2. How young are you? I am 25, maybe older than you ha noh? And sad to say, i still dont know how it feels like to be wholeheartedly loved and to love someone with all my heart.. at 25, im starting to feel the “loneliness” of being alone.. so its true, at this age, we are in the stage of “intimacy vs. Isolation”. Nasa isolation ako. Commenting in this blog entry with thoughts that are somehow connected to your post but not really connected, is , again a form of my defense mechanism…when all i really want to say is,,nakarelate ako, i jinxed my love life as always.. 😦

    We accept the love we think we deserbe,,from perks of being a wallflower. Nice. I like that line,too.

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