Rummaged through notes in my boxes and found a crumpled paper which I refused to throw every time I de-clutter. It was something that I wrote about twenty minutes after dinner a little over four years ago. I rushed to my room because suddenly, I couldn’t hold back my tears.
My friends may say “Here she goes again talking about the one that got away”. But you see, I pledged to write about my greatest love. Over and over again.
I hate myself. I hate myself for loving too much. I hate myself for giving everything that I can. I hate myself for being so unselfish. I’ve never been this patient, this understanding; never been this crazy. And I have never cried so much like this.
I seem to succumb to crying because I don’t know what to do next. My cries seem to have no end. I, myself, could not stop the tears. I just cry even though I know that it will not help.
I hate myself. I am angry at myself for not knowing when to give up. I hate myself for not knowing my own limits. I hate myself for thinking that this was the best that could be. I hate myself for not realizing my own value; for letting someone treat me like nothing. I hate myself for being so oblivious that someone is fooling me. I hate myself for being so ignorant about someone who’s taking me for granted.
I just loved and I knew it was for sure. I was damn sure. It sucks that I was damn sure. I thought it was worth it. I thought it was the best. Almost everybody did.
I can cry more. I can’t cry enough. It cuts right through. It penetrates. It punctures. It keeps me up all night and wakes me up in the middle of a cat nap.
Just one sorry and you’re forgiven. Just one smile and everything’s forgotten. I have never been this stupid.
The pain is building up everyday yet I’m still holding on. I don’t even know why I’m still fighting. I don’t know why I’m still believing, trusting, and hoping that eventually everything will fall back into place.
I don’t know why I now play blind and deaf. I don’t know why I choose to keep these all inside. I want to burst. I want to die. I want to end all the pain and the cries.
I’ve never been this inferior. I’ve never thought of myself as stupid. But now, I know that I am and I choose to be.
But I can’t stop this. I won’t stop.
I just can’t stop.
I don’t want to stop.