I wish I was a pressure cooker.

I actually have pending posts to publish but I’m not in the mood to do it. The posts have a happy tone and it’s inappropriate to even read them when I’m really down today. Actually, the first 18 hours of my day went well and I think it was because I decided to go out of the house and just be with myself. Just when I concluded that I was having a good day, something really discouraging took place. 

You see, the HR of the Korean school where I previously worked sent me a text message saying that I should be there tomorrow for another round of orientation. That’s when I said to myself, “Can things get any better today?” I’ll be having two part-time jobs then, writing and teaching. Those two jobs that I know can really be good at. I was ecstatic. I was so thankful to God that He gave me these opportunities again only to find out that some people at home still wanted to put my life on hold. Well, it has been on hold for several months now. I haven’t even slept on my bed or anyone’s bed since the first week of May. And I can’t understand how some people react to what I’m doing. One moment they hate you because you’re doing something that you’re good at and one moment, they brag to their friends because you’re good at it. Isn’t it just weird? The kind of weird that will make you break down.

I’ve been wanting to throw tantrums since yesterday. I hate it when somebody says that she’s so tired because nobody’s helping her. Oh yeah, like what I said, I never really helped. I never helped at all. I’m no use. I just follow orders, go there, go here, do this, and do that but those tasks don’t qualify as “help”.

I wish I was a pressure cooker. That when I’m already full of tension and pressure and frustration, I could just release all the steam without holding back. I tried, no, I’ve been trying to lessen their burden but they make me feel that I’m making things worse, that I can’t do anything to make their lives easier.

I just read this quote from Twitter: “Sometimes the only thing that people see is what you did when in fact they should be looking at why you did it.” Yeah, I’ve got reasons. And I thought I need not say them, just show them. I was pushed to put them all into words, anyway. But unfortunately, listening can sometimes be hard.

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5 thoughts on “I wish I was a pressure cooker.

  1. I recently went through a period that sounds much like what you describe. While I am very sorry that you are going through it, I can tell you that it will pass. Everything does. Everything has to. As long as you are sticking to your convictions and doing what you feel is right, then you are not doing wrong. I know I sound like a Hallmark card, but it’s true. And in the mean time you can use your writing to release a little of that steam.

    Also, I do yoga and have a cocktail. I find both therapeutic. Hang in!

  2. Just breathe a slow, deep breathing then whisper to the wind, something like: Any occupation would fill my day, but not my heart.

    My mantra. Bow.

    1. Deep breathing works in calming my muscles and nerves. But it doesn’t really lessen all the frustration and the anger. Haynaku.

      But.. I had a timeout when we watched Before Sunset. At least.

  3. Sorry to read that you’re so down. I hope you’ll feel better soon.
    I’m not a pressure cook either but a pressure runner, I learned it’s the best way for me to deal with all the built up tension inside myself 🙂

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